A Request to NFL Films

I have a big request of NFL Films. You know, the media group responsible for all the gorgeous slo-mo highlights and documentaries of all the epic games in NFL history? So many unbelievable photographers and cinematographers work for these guys, I would give a nut to spend a day in their archives just looking at all the juicy, gorgeous footage they have just sitting around.

Anyway.

When his illustrious career is over, I hope NFL Films will compile a 60 or 90 minute special about Devin Hester's career. Show off all the amazing footage that we have and haven't seen before.

I can just see how it would be directed.

Open with Soulja Boy and fast-paced clips of highlights. Jeff Joniak saying "you are ridiculous!" Hurdling a punter. Juking some sucker out of his shoes. Knifing through middle of field. Flash "BEST THERE EVER WAS" across the screen. Crying on the podium after breaking the record.

Do a 10-15 minute bit introducing how crazy good he was. Throw in interviews about his gifted physical abilities, drop some crazy numbers (body measurements, combine-esque stats, workout routines, career statistics), show some college highlights, talk about coming to the NFL.

Another 5-10 minute section devoted to commentators saying during games how you should "NEVER kick it to this guy," right before he takes it to the house. Clips about how every time he touches the ball it feels like he can go all the way. Show off each of the shoestring tackles that just barely stopped him.

Followed by a 5 to 10-minute section telling stories about the kickers he embarrassed (e.g. Todd Sauerbrun hurdled twice in one game after openly challenging Hester, or Earl Bennett releasing the foakin fury on Jon Ryan for the all-time record).

Have an obligatory section devoted to the story of his shift to full-time receiver. Tell the story about the doubting media and fans saying he'll never return one for a TD again. Show him struggling to learn complex and changing systems while handling kick duties. Show some highlights burning guys on the outside and turning screen passes into huge plays.

Then get into the nitty gritty. Show each one of his kick returns in chronological order. 1 through 16 and beyond (obviously including post-season and missed field goals in order).

Sprinkle around clips of teammates describing his work ethic, coaches praising his value to the team, fans wearing jerseys and going nuts for him, and interviews with him showing his strong character. Play epic music throughout. Plenty of ultra-slo-mo.

Of course, have the deep, gravely voice guy narrate everything!

So let's get working on that now, okay? Thanks! You can thank me when you make millions selling it on DVD and Blu-Ray.