Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Unhappy
Well, didn't take very long. I'm buried in late homework, and the familiar feeling of hopelessness is right back on top of me. I'm not interpreting things in terms of situations and circumstances like I was just a few weeks ago. Instead, I'm right back to thinking I am terrible. It's my fault I screwed myself in my classes, and I can't accept anyone telling me that it's otherwise. There was nothing else to do but my homework. It was all very clear. Get it done. And every time, I have avoided it. Now, I'm skipping classes and neglecting basic needs and just blowing the situation way out of proportion. The thing that makes me feel pinned down is that I don't really see when I will have the opportunity to catch back up! I look at my schedule and my commitments, and I really just don't feel like I have the opportunity to right all these wrongs. Work, family, and chores - all get in the way. I spent my last few weekends doing everything but homework, and really never gave myself a chance to get better. And now I feel like I'm right back in the same place as before. Arggh!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Happy
Well. For the first time in many many many months, I am happy. I am so happy. Life isn't pitch blackness, or even gray. It's full of color, and - damn! - it looks gooooood! mmm-hmmm!
I tend to think that I am somehow different from most in the acuteness of my sensitivity. By that, I mean I experience feelings, information, and relationships to the Nth power. Like whoa. Things aren't just things for me. Everything is RIDICULOUS - the good and the bad. Which means that I have an enormous capacity to experience great and wonderful things, but I also have an enormous capacity to crash and burn big time. It's a blessing and a curse, I tell ya.
Unfortunately, for so long, this acute experience has been focused overwhelmingly on negativity. For the longest time (longer than I care to remember), life sucked. Like WHOA. Man, things really sucked. And I sucked, too. Seriously, that's it. That was the deal.
"Life sucks, and I suck even more. Actually, life doesn't suck - life is awesome! But, I am so weak and I suck SO BAD that I can't get my act together and enjoy this life that is so amazing. Life is great, and I should be great, but it's not happening. It should be simple. I know what I have to do, but I don't, I won't, and really, I can't. Therefore, I am shit. Pathetic, disgusting, shameful fucking shit. Fuck everything, and fuck me."
Now here's the thing. I wasn't telling anybody any of this. I didn't indicate in any way that these were my thoughts. In fact, I really went out of my way to portray myself quite the opposite. I modeled myself the way I wanted to be. I got involved and I worked hard and I basically did exactly everything I thought I should be doing. And I met with results! Really great results. So by all observable measures, here's this kid doing really well and he's very talented and seems to really have his shit together. Good for him, he's gonna do great!
Nah. You couldn't have convinced me of that if you tried. You could get me to say "yes I believe you" but I wouldn't really. You see, in my eyes, that wasn't me. I was an impostor. A liar. A guy who pretended to be a real bad ass and a role model, but was weaker and more pathetic than anyone else could be. I felt I had all the tools, perfect vision of the path ahead, and when it came down to it, I could never get it done when it mattered most. At best, I felt I was just a fuckin' poser. At worst....well, I won't go there.
But that's not me. I know it's not me. I love life, and I love myself, and I LOVE the people around me. I know I am talented as hell and I know that I can achieve great things and make a huge difference in the lives of others. And I can have fun along the way. Lots of fun. Fun like whoa!
It took a painfully long time for me to finally confront this. I'm not done. I've got a long ways to go. But damn, the first step is hard.
I tend to think that I am somehow different from most in the acuteness of my sensitivity. By that, I mean I experience feelings, information, and relationships to the Nth power. Like whoa. Things aren't just things for me. Everything is RIDICULOUS - the good and the bad. Which means that I have an enormous capacity to experience great and wonderful things, but I also have an enormous capacity to crash and burn big time. It's a blessing and a curse, I tell ya.
Unfortunately, for so long, this acute experience has been focused overwhelmingly on negativity. For the longest time (longer than I care to remember), life sucked. Like WHOA. Man, things really sucked. And I sucked, too. Seriously, that's it. That was the deal.
"Life sucks, and I suck even more. Actually, life doesn't suck - life is awesome! But, I am so weak and I suck SO BAD that I can't get my act together and enjoy this life that is so amazing. Life is great, and I should be great, but it's not happening. It should be simple. I know what I have to do, but I don't, I won't, and really, I can't. Therefore, I am shit. Pathetic, disgusting, shameful fucking shit. Fuck everything, and fuck me."
Now here's the thing. I wasn't telling anybody any of this. I didn't indicate in any way that these were my thoughts. In fact, I really went out of my way to portray myself quite the opposite. I modeled myself the way I wanted to be. I got involved and I worked hard and I basically did exactly everything I thought I should be doing. And I met with results! Really great results. So by all observable measures, here's this kid doing really well and he's very talented and seems to really have his shit together. Good for him, he's gonna do great!
Nah. You couldn't have convinced me of that if you tried. You could get me to say "yes I believe you" but I wouldn't really. You see, in my eyes, that wasn't me. I was an impostor. A liar. A guy who pretended to be a real bad ass and a role model, but was weaker and more pathetic than anyone else could be. I felt I had all the tools, perfect vision of the path ahead, and when it came down to it, I could never get it done when it mattered most. At best, I felt I was just a fuckin' poser. At worst....well, I won't go there.
But that's not me. I know it's not me. I love life, and I love myself, and I LOVE the people around me. I know I am talented as hell and I know that I can achieve great things and make a huge difference in the lives of others. And I can have fun along the way. Lots of fun. Fun like whoa!
It took a painfully long time for me to finally confront this. I'm not done. I've got a long ways to go. But damn, the first step is hard.
Monday, February 1, 2010
My thanks to Canada
It has recently dawned on me that several of my absolute favorite things have come from Canada:
- Spümcø
- Hockey
- Protest the Hero
- Crown Royal
- Despised Icon
- Clone High
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