Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Throughout my life, a pervasive naïveté and fragility has doggedly harassed my capacity for guiltless, unfettered happiness. I never learned how to reconcile kindness, courtesy, and etiquette with strength, confidence, and authority. At my strongest, I was but a kitten in lion's shell. Today, I have reduced myself to a worm meekly posing as a mouse. No one taught me when and how to allocate my deference appropriately. I bowed so often to others that my back is curved and my knees are weak. Now, I grovel my way through life feeling ashamed and unworthy.

Deep in me, I know there is a noble and worthy spirit. I am entitled to my gifts and talents and to the fruits of my labors, regardless of my shortcomings. I do not have to justify and apologize to others for every quality I possess and decision I make.

All people deserve respect and consideration, but not all people share the same needs, expectations, or abilities. Certainly, I should not devote such distress and consternation to every relationship and their oft conflicting circumstances. Even a martyr opposes the will of someone. Even then, in the end, the fate of the martyr is to die. To bleed for a cause that is not their own, for people with blood of their own.

Guided by irrational naïveté and fragility, I have bled myself anemic.

My first task, then, is to gain my strength back. I am frail and weak, but not broken. I have great talent and potential, but I harbor dangerous vulnerabilities. I must withstand occasional lapses of resolve, forgive myself, recommit, and resume progress. This process will slowly restore vitality to my body and mind, enabling me to halt my descent and climb upward once more.

But once I have dragged myself up from hell once again, I must learn not to give myself so wholly to so many others. I must remain the main shareholder in my soul!