Happy

Well. For the first time in many many many months, I am happy. I am so happy. Life isn't pitch blackness, or even gray. It's full of color, and - damn! - it looks gooooood! mmm-hmmm!

I tend to think that I am somehow different from most in the acuteness of my sensitivity. By that, I mean I experience feelings, information, and relationships to the Nth power. Like whoa. Things aren't just things for me. Everything is RIDICULOUS - the good and the bad. Which means that I have an enormous capacity to experience great and wonderful things, but I also have an enormous capacity to crash and burn big time. It's a blessing and a curse, I tell ya.

Unfortunately, for so long, this acute experience has been focused overwhelmingly on negativity. For the longest time (longer than I care to remember), life sucked. Like WHOA. Man, things really sucked. And I sucked, too. Seriously, that's it. That was the deal.

"Life sucks, and I suck even more. Actually, life doesn't suck - life is awesome! But, I am so weak and I suck SO BAD that I can't get my act together and enjoy this life that is so amazing. Life is great, and I should be great, but it's not happening. It should be simple. I know what I have to do, but I don't, I won't, and really, I can't. Therefore, I am shit. Pathetic, disgusting, shameful fucking shit. Fuck everything, and fuck me."

Now here's the thing. I wasn't telling anybody any of this. I didn't indicate in any way that these were my thoughts. In fact, I really went out of my way to portray myself quite the opposite. I modeled myself the way I wanted to be. I got involved and I worked hard and I basically did exactly everything I thought I should be doing. And I met with results! Really great results. So by all observable measures, here's this kid doing really well and he's very talented and seems to really have his shit together. Good for him, he's gonna do great!

Nah. You couldn't have convinced me of that if you tried. You could get me to say "yes I believe you" but I wouldn't really. You see, in my eyes, that wasn't me. I was an impostor. A liar. A guy who pretended to be a real bad ass and a role model, but was weaker and more pathetic than anyone else could be. I felt I had all the tools, perfect vision of the path ahead, and when it came down to it, I could never get it done when it mattered most. At best, I felt I was just a fuckin' poser. At worst....well, I won't go there.

But that's not me. I know it's not me. I love life, and I love myself, and I LOVE the people around me. I know I am talented as hell and I know that I can achieve great things and make a huge difference in the lives of others. And I can have fun along the way. Lots of fun. Fun like whoa!

It took a painfully long time for me to finally confront this. I'm not done. I've got a long ways to go. But damn, the first step is hard.